2 weeks later hang over

I have been home now for over 2 weeks. And in those time I have been thinking a lot about my time in this mighty land.
It does not at all compare to this cozy, dreamy, mellow and happy feeling I got from visiting Lapland. I still not yet figure out what role Iceland has in my life. Maybe just because I didn't got quite what I expected. Dont get me wrong with this, because I am absolutely stunned by this magnificent country. But the idea to do guided tours, made me deeply sad that I was treated like a chained dog not able to get to water and food. A child in a candy store with an empty stomach and being told not to touch, nor eat anything. An empty feeling.

Iceland has touched my heart, the magic gets you, even in the pooring rain and beyond the steel glass of the bus. And more than ever in this two weeks, things slowely settle down and make place for new emotions, feelings and perspectives. You only know what you miss if you can't see or have it. And that is basicly how I feel now. The cry to go back is growing stronger.

If I look to the internet to compare my photo's, I am amazed to barely see Iceland like I have seen it. I have been there in Indian Summer, when Iceland has put on her autumn cloak. I wont come across pictures of Thorsmork with the gold, copper and orange trees, so vibrant contrasting the black lava. I see mainly green trees patched to a blue sky. Also beautifull, but this autumn cloak. I have been so blessed to see it this way. Simply because those are my colors. I love autumn and I love nature in this time.

With this blog I want to reflect back more on spiritual more personal views and feelings during my stay. I simply work that way, I cannot always follow my own impression/emotions right there. Usualy so much goes on in my mind, it keeps flowing for a long time after. At a moment I have peace of mind, it all comes to surface. And that is what happens time after time. Repeatedly ever growing.

The view I had on Iceland, and expectations were not met completely. Like I said I was grieving over the short times and scheduled tour I was taking part in. For me holiday is quite timeless, but back home in Holland I had no clue how to find other ways to see what I wanted to see. I like to know a place before I decide to rent a car or take public transport, and Iceland is not the country to travel all alone. And that is the problem I have. I am alone, I have no one to go with me. Iceland is not cheap, and not going alone, means again to be tied to 'schedules'. In this country that is a natural expression of the word Freedom, I hoped to be like the fish in the wide ocean. I am Freedom. I thrive on freedom to go where and when I want to. The only thing I want to be tied to is the journey out of Iceland.

So I booked this tours, and the first already caused problems. I had my northerlight tour starting at 20.00 and I could leave Blue Lagoon at 17.00, 19.00 or 21.00. The first was impossible as I arrived at 16.45. And then I for sure would miss the tour. So I put that another night. Causing again a problem as I wanted to go to Jokulsarloon, the glacier lake. A big dream of me to see. But I couldnt.
I went to Reykjavik at 19.00 because I didn't feel like waiting for 2 more hours, to swimm underneath the auroras. It would only be dark after 20.15 the time I would need to get dressed and walk back to the bus. Again this rotten schedules freaking me out. I want my freedom... So there I left at 19.00 which in the end was the best option. But that is what I want to say. I am so independent, and I hate it to be dependent on others. Things I have to learn...

And so it was with the other tours, no where the promised time to wander on your own. In stead a fast pace trail walk in  Thorsmork, it was raining so no problem, but I felt like an exhausted dog transformed into an Asian tourist only knowing where she has been by looking at the photo's. Not get me wrong, it was a wonderfull trip, but not for me. And I won't even talk about the last day to the Golden Circle. I have to do it all again in my own way. I hoped to meet some people along the way, but the groups were so big, and the schedule so tight I did not get a chance.

So I did not see the Iceland I love revealed to me. I saw the touristic version. And now my mission is the real Iceland. Soon.... because next time I will rent a car as it is fairly cheap and gasoline is cheaper than at home. So that is my choice. Rent a car and travel around, knowing it is not clever, but I am a person who is always prepared for worse (GPS, enough food, thermo sheets, flashlight etc). I am not planning to drive around the highlands. I would love to once, with someone who is experienced. Or better, on horseback.

I really hope it will come soon...